Is Being the Bigger Person an Identity Trap?

Have you ever had one of those polite conversations that somehow leaves you wondering why you tolerated more than you wanted to? Nothing bad happened, but you still drove away feeling like your brain is just… done. Yeah, I’ve been there too. This is one of those stories.

“Eventually you have to stop being impressive and start being honest.”— Glennon Doyle

I remember sitting in my car after coffee with a friend. You know the vibe. The conversation was polite, a few laughs here and there, nothing crazy happened. No arguments or anything daft like that. After coffee, we said the usual, “we should do this again soon,” hugged, and went our separate ways.

But as I left the parking lot, I felt…ugh. I can’t think of a better word for it. During our conversation, there were comments…a few small digs disguised as a joke. I caught that jab of disrespect. I laughed it off, changed the subject, and told myself, “Don’t be weird, it’s not that deep.” I even remember blaming myself for feeling awkward.

By the time I got home, I had convinced myself to see things from their perspective. I’m the understanding one, after all. But as I parked, I felt unsettled. I didn’t even know what I felt anymore. I had gotten so used to hiding my real reactions that I lost track of my own emotions. I had given up my own needs just to be seen as easy to get along with. Wallahi, it’s not worth it,

I spent years building a reputation as the person who gets it. I was reasonable and understanding. People knew they can say something a little rude, and I’ll let it slide. 

At first, I saw this as a sign of spiritual growth, almost like a superpower. But I didn’t choose to be the bigger person. I learned to stay calm because it made me feel more in control. I figured that if I just manage myself, then I can regulate my emotions better. If I kept myself together, then everything else would fall into place. Over time, being composed became part of how I saw myself and shaped my identity. I was always the one who followed up, checking in and making sure everyone else felt ok after a weird conversation or situation. I didn’t let myself feel angry about it. No one asked me to be the emotional babysitter, but after a while, people expect it. You become the person who never takes things personally. It sounds like a good reputation, but at the end of the day, there’s no space left for your own feelings. It’s exhausting. It’s hard to explain without sounding difficult. But it’s exhausting. Being the bigger person worked for me for a while, I won’t lie. It helped me feel connected and liked, even if it was only on the surface. But it also made me question myself and whatever it is I was doing.

I wish I can end this with a checklist for finding your voice, but that wouldn’t be true. Spoiler alert: I’m still in a phase of personal growth where it feels like I’m sitting in my car feeling weird after these experiences. I often notice myself still laughing at jokes that aren’t funny or ignoring someone’s intentional bad behaviour. Hours later, I replay the conversation and think of what I should have said.

“I lost myself when I learned how to please.”— Glennon Doyle

I’ve stopped trying to be the bigger person, it took a lot of effort, still does. And I’m focusing on just being a person. Sometimes that means being a little difficult and petty when I feel like it. Sometimes it means not checking up on people who don’t check up on me. I stopped being the one who always reaches out. Looking back now, I can’t believe I was once that girl. But I’m not embarrassed about it, just saying.

I’m not saying you should treat people badly. It’s ok if you’re not the person who keeps every relationship going.

For years, I thought being understanding made me a good friend. But it simply meant I absorbed what I shouldn’t have and allowed people to treat me poorly. I worried about being difficult but the effort I poured into staying easy went largely unnoticed,

If you’re sitting in your car right now, feeling that familiar tiredness after a “polite” coffee, I feel you. I know how tempting it is to keep replaying what you could have done differently. The better response, or the you that would have handled things perfectly. It’s ok not to be the one who does the cleaning up for a mess you didn’t make. You can just leave it exactly where it is. Let the silence stay. Leave the text unsent. If they don’t reach out, let the distance remain. You’re under no obligation to be the bigger person. Just remember your boundaries matter too.

Thanks a bunch for reading. I’m off to see if I can actually feel something now. No promises.