Questioning the “Authentic” Self

What if even your most authentic self is still just another role you perform?

I’ve only read a few pages of a new book I got from Amazon, “You and Your Profile: Identity After Authenticity” by Moeller & D’Ambrosio. It’s already made me stop and think. The authors talk about how our sense of authenticity has changed from something private and internal to something displayed and validated by others.

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The book begins by talking about authenticity.
But it doesn’t talk about it in the usual encouraging and positive way. It asks what authenticity really means. What we call “authentic” today is something we performed. The idea that our “profile” – how we present ourselves, can become more real to us than whatever we think is underneath.

The authors are suggesting something most of us resist. Authenticity is not something you find. It’s shaped by culture, marketed, and taken in by us. They even say it’s supported by the words we use, the way we talk about it, and even by the economy. Even when people try to be authentic, it often ends up being performed for others. Social media doesn’t just curate identity; it distorts it and turns authenticity into a product. In other words, self-discovery, self-expression, or simply being yourself, are all shaped by cultural scripts. Wow…ok, let me take a moment to breathe.

These concepts can feel a bit uncomfortable, because you start to see how easily you’ve accepted some ideas without thinking much about them. I remember a younger me, and also not even that long ago, I just went along with the idea that “being yourself” was always the right thing, even if I didn’t know what that meant in real life. I never really stopped to ask what my real self was, or why everyone else seemed so sure. I just accepted it.

You, me and many others, including our pets, like the idea of being authentic. It feels right, and sincere. But we never really stopped to ask ourselves what it actually means.

Sometimes, I notice myself trying to be a certain version of me. It’s not the professional one, or the one who always seems confident or has her head screwd on. It’s the other one. You know, the so-called “real” me, who speaks plainly, doesn’t try too hard, and feels closer to something true. But when I’m in that place, I notice something odd. I’m aware it’s happening. Not entirely, but enough to see I’m still choosing my words. I’m still aware of how I come across. I’m still shaping something. I’m shaping how I show up based on how I imagine others will see me. What the authors refer to as – How we like to be seen as being seen.

It also makes me wonder; if I can see myself being authentic, am I still performing?

There’s an idea many of us carry too. That beneath all our roles, there’s a truer version of ourselves waiting to be found. It’s as if identity is made of layers we peel away until we reach something concrete. But I’m not sure it works like that. Even the parts of me that feel most real still show up in relation to someone else or something around me. Maybe in a conversation, a certain situation, or an imagined audience.

Even when we’re alone, we’re not completely by ourselves. There’s still a part of us that feels watched, interpreted, and shaped.

We’re told to be ourselves. But where did we learn what that really means? What counts as sincere, open, or real? Those ideas didn’t just show up. We picked them up from other people, from culture, and from what gets praised or rejected.

So when I say I’m being authentic, what am I observing about myself and how?

Read this slowly. I see how others see you, and it shapes how I see you. This means I’m not forming my opinions from scratch. I’m using other people’s reactions as a shortcut. Of course, this makes so much sense; it explains why we rely on reviews when making online purchases and ratings when deciding to try a new restaurant. Also, you see how others see you, and you adjust how you present yourself. Meaning, we’re not just being ourselves and letting people react; we’re constantly picking up social cues like how people respond to us, and then we adjust. You say something, people laugh, and you then lean more into that version of yourself. Are you dizzy yet? I hope not. I’m not sure I can explain it better than that. But the authors call this a second-order observation.

It all starts to feel like a loop. The more I try to be authentic, the more I notice myself trying. As soon as I see it, something changes. It doesn’t feel fake, but it doesn’t feel completely natural either. Identity then becomes a continuous feedback loop between perception and adjustment.

I don’t think this means authenticity is not real. Maybe authenticity is less about finding a hidden, pure self and more about understanding how our efforts to be real are shaped by context, awareness, and performance. It might not be a fixed goal but an ongoing process that always involves some self-awareness. Reading this book, I’m starting to realise I don’t just present myself as I am. I anticipate how I’ll be interpreted, and then adjust accordingly. Hmmm…ok.

I’m also wondering. What if it’s less about finding a “real” self underneath everything, and more about noticing how you show up in the roles you already have? Being aware of where you feel tense, where you’re trying, and where things feel easier. 

Maybe ask yourself. In which roles you feel most like yourself? And where do you notice yourself changing or performing? What would it feel like to be more at ease in one of those situations?

But I do have another very important question: If no one was there to see you, would you still try to be authentic?

And if the answer is yes, who are you trying to be authentic for?

What I’m getting from the authors so far is that we’re not just being real. We’re being consistently real on demand. So, if that’s the case, and please, help me out here. Is there any pure authenticity left? Are we just ‘being’, or are we always slightly pre-editing ourselves in real-time, even in ‘authentic’ moments? A penny for your thoughts.

I’m only a few pages into this book, so I can’t say I get where it’s heading yet. I might end up with more questions, who knows. I’m keeping an open mind. But if this is how it starts, I think I’m going to enjoy every bit of it. I’m curious to see where these questions will lead and what new perspective this book might open up. It already feels like something in it will stay with me longer than expected.

If you happen to be reading this book as well, I’d be interested to hear what you’re noticing as you go.

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Thanks for reading.